Fear the Fan
by M E Wofford
Summary: My first and probably only crack!fic blowing off steam in preparation for the season 7 premier. Has all cast members in it. Rated T for language.


For all the fans who've suffered through this long, long summer awaiting the season premier. For all the angst TIVA fans have felt for four months. For me, because I guess I'm just a vindictive person. This crack!fic is dedicated to us.

I do not own NCIS or any part thereof.

And for those who know me, yes the Fan seems to bear an awful lot of resemblance to myself. So I guess this is my first ever Mary Sue story, of sorts.

Fear the Fan

The bullpen was quiet when she walked in. A tall woman with a shock of snow white hair and tan skin, she stood close to six feet tall and walked with a purpose. She made her way to Gibbs' desk, giving DiNozzo and McGee hard looks as she closed in on their boss.

"Gibbs," she said. Her voice was young; younger than the hair and the face going soft around the jaw line indicated.

"Yeah?"

He looked up just in time for her to slap him as hard as she could and apparently that was pretty damned hard. He fell back in his chair and seemed dazed for a moment before pushing off from his seat, sending it slamming in to the cubicle wall behind.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled.

She got right up in his face, eyes level with his, invading his space.

"You son-of-a-bitch. You left her there all alone. No one watching her back. You left her and now they've got her and she may not survive and it's your fault. The one time you should trust your gut and you don't. You have pissed me off plenty in the past but this time it's gone beyond simple anger."

He just stared at her. What the hell was she talking about?

Turning on her heel she stomped to DiNozzo's desk, slamming her hands down on his shoulders to keep him from getting up.

"And you're not any better. You're her partner. You left her there without a whimper of objection. Ever since she came to NCIS you've wanted her but never had the balls to tell her and yet you wouldn't let anyone else have her either. You're pathetic, DiNozzo. Pathetic. And now it may be way too late and she'll end up like Jenny and you'll turn into Gibbs Junior and we sure as hell don't need another one of him."

She jerked her thumb in Gibbs' direction.

"Grow up, DiNozzo, or lose it all. Stay on this path and you might as well buy a house with a basement and plan on living out your life as a miserable bastard."

McGee was looking from the woman to DiNozzo to Gibbs. He jerked back when he saw her gaze leveled at him now. Less stridently she walked to his desk, leaned over it and frowned at the cowering agent.

"I still have hope for you, McGee. You seemed to grow a pair this past season, actually since Director Shepard died, but you're turning nasty and mean-spirited. STOP it, young man. If you're going to be that way you can just go play in L.A. with Callen and Sam and the rest of those OSP newcomers cause I don't care how you treat them. At least not yet."

Standing up straight, she squared her shoulders and started back across the floor, obviously heading for the exit.

Just then the elevator dinged and Abby and Ducky exited as soon as the doors opened, Palmer behind them, moving more cautiously. The white-haired woman saw them and make a sharp turn to stand right in front of them.

"You, Abby Scuito, you're cute and you're funny and when you wear the short skirts the ratings aren't the only thing to rise, but for God's sake, grow up just a little bit. You're 40 years old and not a kid anymore. And stop treating McGee the way DiNozzo treats Ziva. Like he's your property for you to use and abuse anyway you want and you won't share him with anyone else. It makes you look selfish and mean."

She pushed Abby out of the way, the Gothic scientist moving aside without protest, struck dumb for once by the verbal attack.

"Palmer," the woman said, pointing her finger at him.

He jumped and seemed to cave in on himself. He nodded.

"Yes, ma'am."

"You're doing okay. A little bit too nerdy still sometimes but it can be charming. Make them give you more screen time, kid. You're cute and you've got great timing."

Dazedly, he nodded, hoping she would move on now and leave him alone.

She came to stand in front of Ducky. She towered over him by three or four inches but he stood his ground, looking up at her fearlessly with his cool blue eyes.

"And me," he said.

Her lips pursed together she regarded him seriously.

"And you," she said and then had him in her arms, bending him over backwards, pressing her lips to his and holding him tightly. Ducky struggled for a moment but then relaxed into it and put his arms around her neck and gave every evidence he was kissing her back. After a bit she stood him back up and grinned.

"Been wanting to do that for 40 years or so. Thanks."

Ducky grinned and ran his tongue around his lips.

"Oh no, thank you. Quite the experience."

They smiled at each other and she turned to leave again. As she got to the elevator doors they all heard Vance call out.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my squadroom?"

She stepped through the doors into the metal box then turned back and held the doors open by stretching out her arms to either side.

"I am the "conscience of the king," Leon, I'm the Nielsen's, I'm the base, and you'd better watch your step. Your days could be numbered. Jury's still out on you. Sure you got cute kids and a funny wife and you're the only African-American in sight most of the time but that won't be enough to save your ass if you've betrayed Ziva and ruined the team dynamic. Better watch your step, Big Man. "

As the doors closed behind her and they looked at one another in bemusement she could be heard saying, "Now for Brennan and Floyd. Where the hell could they be hiding?"

FIN

I hope everyone realizes this is all in fun. It's just a little letting off of steam from the anxiety of the last 4 months. I have nothing but admiration for the cast, crew, writers, and producers of NCIS and deep and abiding affection for the characters they have created.

But this was such a cathartic writing experience…I am now officially ready for the premier of season 7.


End file.
